new puppy means sleep deprivation

I got a puppy after my husband passed away. He’s great but he likes to play at night when he should be going to sleep. He also likes to whine every hour or two to go outside when I make him sleep in the crate.

I was letting him sleep in the bed with me but now he’s big enough and smart enough to jump down on his own. The crate seems to be the only way I can keep him from going potty in the house!

He’s been particularly stubborn when it comes to taking him out to potty. Most dogs will start to get the idea in just a few days. This one, not so much. He learned how to climb out of an open top crate.

I finally flattened out some card board boxes and put them around and on top of the crate and taped them up. Hopefully he won’t be able to get out of that other wise I’m gonna have to keep dealing with him having accidents and chewing things he shouldn’t be chewing until I can get a new crate.

Taking him for long walks is helpful because it tires him out which keeps him from chewing everything and going potty everywhere. If I can keep him the crate when I’m not playing with him or walking him then he’ll start making the connection and will house train more easily.

In the mean time the constant howling is not only annoying but it keeps me up at night or constantly wakes me up.

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How do I keep going?

I don’t really know how to say this. I don’t even want to say it. The more I talk about it the more real it becomes and I don’t want it to be real.

I lost my husband to an asthma attack. He had the asthma attack on March 3rd, I gave him his rescue inhaler, I gave him 2 breathing treatments and had him use the rescue inhaler again before he finally let me call 911.

It took what seemed like forever for the ambulance to get here. I saw the lights before I saw the ambulance and I bolted out the door to flag them down. My husband stopped breathing about 10 seconds after they walked in and started to examine him.

They carried him out to the ambulance where his heart stopped. They were giving him CPR for a long time when the fire truck finally came. One of the fire fighters got in the ambulance to assist with intibation.

I thought for sure he’d be alright once he got to the hospital and got the medicine he needed but he wasn’t. I called to check on him and was told that he was in very critical condition and I needed to be there.

I got a ride from a neighbor that knew him. I stayed by his side until 7 am when I left to get a couple hours of sleep and a shower. I never got my shower. I got a call from the hospital that he was no longer breathing on his own over the ventilator and I needed to come back.

I raced back to the hospital to be with him. I held his hand and begged him to fight. His brain was swollen and had started to herniate. A lot of people were praying for him but his brain continued to swell and herniate until there was nothing left.

The doctors wanted me to take him off life support because they felt he was already gone. I wouldn’t do it until I had scientific proof that he was never coming back.

I still held on to give the rest of our family time to say good bye.  During that time he started having tremors. The first 2 I yelled at him and told him to stop it and he did.

He continued to have these tremors and I held his hand and rubbed his arm. I told him it was ok, I was there and I wasn’t going anywhere. Every time I did that the tremor would stop. He still continued to have them though and they got more and more violent and more and more frequent.

I was getting more upset with each tremor he had. Finally the nurses pulled me aside because I was screaming and crying. They said he was in fact brain dead and he was not coming back and this was too hard for me to watch. I knew they were right and finally allowed them to disconnect the ventilator.

He was gone in less than 1 minute and he squeezed my hand twice as he went. I can still feel him all around me. I think he’s hanging around to make sure I’ll be ok before he goes where he’s supposed to.


I snapped this picture of him one night while he was sleeping. Oh if he knew I did that he’d be so pissed! I’m just glad I have the picture. I’m greatful for the 10 yrs we had together. I just wish I could have done more to help him when he had the asthma attack. I wish I could have saved him. 

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I’m finally free (I think) how to stop a stalker

After being stalked, harassed, and threatened for 7 years I am finally free. My stalker is not dead or in jail but he finally got the message that I am just not interested.

He attempted to contact me a couple of days ago from yet another phone number which I promptly blocked. A little while later I got a voice mail saying I won’t hear from him again and scratch him out like he was never there.

Of course I wonder if it’s really true that he’s finally gotten the message but based on that voice mail it certainly seems that way.

Unfortunately after going through hell for the last 7 yrs I will never let my guard down, not even for a second. It does feel good to think I might finally be free from the stalking, harassment, and threats. Only time will tell if I’m truly free or not.

I definitely wish that I hadn’t had to go through this but it has allowed me to learn some things that I would not have had the opportunity to learn otherwise. For example there are different classifications of stalkers and they all have different motivations.

Some stalkers will have a sexual motivation, others will be motivated by vengeance if they feel you wronged them somehow, others may believe you are in love with them even if you’ve never had any contact with them.

There are so many things that could motivate a stalker that they are too numerous to list. Some stalkers will eventually give up if you ignore them long enough, others are far more dangerous.

I personally believe that a single stalker can fall into more than one classification of stalkers. I believe mine did. How you deal with a stalker really depends on their motivation for stalking you which also determines the classification of the stalker.

Sometimes it’s as simple as changing your phone number, other times you have to weed out snakes that will give your new number to a stalker. Sometimes there are multiple snakes and the best thing to do is to change your private number and get something like google voice to block every number the stalker contacts you from.

Sometimes you may have to move out of the county like I did, Others may be more determined and you will have to move out of the state. More often than not in cases of stalking the police are not very helpful because stalking is very hard to prove.

My own stalker was caught in the act by police twice and yet it was swept under the rug as if nothing happened. It’s more likely this will be the case if you are involved in any part of the adult industry what so ever. If the police see you as the “wholesome” type they will be more willing to help you. If they see you as less than “wholesome” they will bend over backwards to help the stalker stalk you.

Regardless of whether or not you are any part of the adult industry you still have the right to be safe. You still have the right to live your life free of stalkers. When the police refuse to do their jobs, get a webcam. Place the webcam in a position so it captures your parking lot.

Also make sure it captures at least part of your street if possible. Or if you’re in a house make sure it captures both your driveway and part of your street, set to record. When you capture your stalker driving up and down your street or around your block more than twice in 8 hours you have the stalker by the balls.

Make sure to record  for at least 45 minutes after you’ve caught your stalker on camera to see how many times they drive up and down your street or around your block in that time frame. Put it on a DVD and make at least 5 back up copies. If you are in the adult industry in any way shape or form the police will take your complaint and throw it in the trash along with any evidence you hand them.

You may need to go up the chain of command possibly even to the attorney general to get something done about it so always keep back up evidence of everything. If you have access to your call logs you can print them as well as write them down. Take pictures of the phone number displayed on your phone as the call comes in.

write down any text messages you receive from your stalker, take pictures of those text messages, make 15 to 20 photo copies of any and all hand written call logs from your stalker.

Keep a digital camera in your car at all times while driving. Make sure it records video. Keep the camera on and recording any time you are driving. Tape it to your back window, if need be, get a second and a third camera and tape them to passenger windows in the back seat. This will capture the stalker following you when you drive.

Make at least 5 DVD copies of it and mark every DVD clearly with the date and the time frames, do this for your webcam videos too. If you hand over evidence and get no where then go up the chain of command and make new DVDs of each item when you see you have 3 or less left. ALWAYS KEEP BACK UP EVIDENCE.

You can bet your stalker WILL point out your involvement in the adult industry to save their own ass. This is why you need so much back up evidence. You may even have to get an advocate to go with you and force the police to do their jobs. If your stalker does not have a sexual motivation you may not be able to get help from an advocate through the rape crisis center but you could potentially sue the police.

Call around talk to some attorneys. Most of the time they will not take the case on a contingency fee kind of thing, so make sure you have some money to pay the attorney. It’s money well spent if you can get your life back with out going through it for 7 yrs like I did.

If your stalker comes on a cam site and uses their email system to harass and/or threaten you print it. Print at least 10 copies preferably 20. DO NOT tell your stalker you are doing this. It could escalate the situation or the stalker could start saying things to make it look like you are doing something illegal.

This is nothing more than a desperate attempt to save their own ass but why encourage it? It’s actually best if you just don’t reply to your stalker at all not even on the cam site email system. You should block the stalker once you’ve identified that it is in fact your stalker using a screen name on your cam site.

Keep plenty of ink for your printer. If your stalker is anything like mine you will get hundreds of emails on the cam site, hundreds if not thousands of text messages, and with out a doubt hundreds of thousands of calls to any phone number the stalker has for you.

Do not answer the stalker’s calls, texts,emails, or camsite emails once you know it’s the stalker. Rest assured the stalker will create a new screen name and come back on the cam site to harass you. Sometimes your stalker will try to pretend to be someone else to trick you into a response, Other times your stalker will be more direct and pissed off because you blocked them.

Know that any legal proceedings will be messy and expensive. Your stalker will try their damnedest to trash you to  the judge and if one is present the jury. This is once again a desperate attempt by the stalker to save their own ass and unfortunately is inevitable in the court room.

Make sure your stalker doesn’t have any dirty cops in their back pocket. Your attorney may be able to help you here, If not be ready for a huge bill from a private investigator because you will need one.

If you are able to determine that your stalker is paying off dirty cops (has dirty cops in their back pocket) then you can introduce this evidence in court which will not only surely get your stalker convicted (if it’s criminal instead of civil) it will also launch an investigation into that police department and ruin the careers of the dirty cops and hopefully their lives too.

When all is said and done keep one camera in your car at all times, especially if any cops lost their jobs and/or are facing jail time for the corruption because the cops will be pissed and they will harass you.

Take video of you going to your car, starting the car, checking for the light over the license plate particularly at night for this one, keep the video on your speedometer so you have proof that you are not speeding, also make sure before you take off to turn on your headlights and take video to prove that they are working, take video underneath your car before you leave too this way if you have no fluids leaking before you leave and you do after coming back to your car and driving home you can prove it with the video you take when you get home.

Continue to keep a webcam focused on your car, parking lot/drive way, and part of the street so if anyone comes by and sabotages your car you will have evidence. Trust me dirty cops will do this they’ve done it to me before. They have disconnected the light over my license plate so they could have an excuse to pull me over.

Always check everything before you get in your car and drive. Even if you just went to the grocery store and were only gone 2 minutes, check everything before you pull out of that parking space. If anything was working when you left and wasn’t when you got back you most likely have a case of sabotage. Have the car towed home and get it fixed before you drive again.

This will take away the validity of traffic stops for “license plate not illuminated” or “brake lights not working” also check your brakes before you pull out of any parking space. If your brakes were fine before you left and when you get back in the car they suddenly aren’t fine you most likely have a case of sabotage.

If you have a garage use it. This will help prevent stalkers and/or dirty/pissed off cops from having access to your vehicle while you sleep at night.

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well that was childish!

My husband and I recently had a falling out with our neighbor and stopped speaking to them.

I went to check the mail today and I saw that my name tag had been taken off my mailbox. The post office will not deliver mail to a box with no name tag when you live in an apartment building.

It was there when I checked the mail yesterday. I went to check the mail today and I saw that my name tag is gone. I looked at the floor to see if it had just fallen down but it wasn’t there.

That let me know someone intentionally took it and since everyone else’s name tags were still up and my neighbors are the only ones we’ve had a falling out with it was obvious that it was them. Now to clarify, I have lots of neighbors but the only ones we’re having problems with are on the same floor and live right next door to me.

I have never seen such childish behavior from an adult. Taking my name tag off my mailbox isn’t exactly going to cause me that much of an inconvenience. It’s takes 2 seconds to make a new one and put it on the mail box.

The one my husband and I have a problem with is a 38 or 39 yr old man who lives with his mother, is a known drug addict, and a known pedophile. We tolerated him because his mother is a nice lady. We’ve never had any problems with her. It’s her creepy ass son we don’t like.

I definitely need to move just to get away from the drama. This place wasn’t great to begin with but when these people moved in this past summer, the building went to shit. People’s packages are getting stolen, there is constant noise, this guy gets drunk and throws spaghetti all over the hall way.

Sometimes he comes out in the hall way crawling around with a knife in his hand, other times he comes out in the hall way just screaming about random shit and everyone ignores him.

Again, the stunt with the mailbox, that was just comical. Really? did he really think that was gonna piss me off? Either he isn’t too worried about whether he pisses me off or not or he greatly over estimated his ability to piss me off.

Like I said earlier in this post it takes 2 seconds to make a new name tag and put it on the mail box. It’s good for a laugh and that’s about it.

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I’ve been told not to watch the top girls to get ideas…

Another cam girl told me not to watch the top girls on cam sites to get ideas. I asked why? she said because they are all a size zero and get huge tips for doing very little.

I was watching a girl I consider to be a top girl to get ideas. I noticed she has 65,000 chaturbate followers. I know she didn’t start out with 65,000. She had to start from zero like the rest of us.

She does a whole lot in her shows. Yes she is a size zero, but she is fun and entertaining. She keeps her room fun and exciting. She engages members in her room. She clearly enjoys what she’s doing.

She does do some things that I can’t do but other than that it’s just a fun room to be in. She is a cam girl who has EARNED being a top girl. She’s always happy, always smiling, very active, and all around fun to watch.

She is confident but not cocky, she is sweet but doesn’t pay attention to bullshit. She focuses on her customers, on her show, and doesn’t worry about what another model does in her room.

That to me is a very good example of how to run my business as a cam girl. I don’t want to copy her entire show, I just want to keep my room fun and engage my customers. She is a good one to watch to get a few ideas.

I wanted to give a shout out to deaf angel for being such a great cam girl and such a great example.

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Don’t trash other models

I had a conversation with a cam customer last night who was pretty upset that one model he chats with was trashing another model he chats with. I am not revealing his handle for privacy reasons.

This customer did not like hearing one model trash another period. It bothered him even more that she was being so public about it.

Maybe she’s really young and hasn’t learned that lesson yet, maybe she’s closer to my age and hasn’t learned that lesson yet. I don’t know her so I really can’t say. All I know is that the gentleman I talked to was not very happy with the situation.

Ladies, when you trash another model you will piss off at least some of your customers. You will definitely make them curious about the model you’re trashing. They will wonder why you hate her so much and go see what she’s all about.

What if they like her shows better? in that case you have successfully promoted her, driven traffic to her room, and trashed your own business. Customers don’t come to our chats to hear a bunch of catty bullshit.

Here’s how I handle it when I get jealous of a model who makes more money than me, I watch her to see what she’s doing differently. I try to incorporate the parts I would be comfortable with into my own shows but still do my own thing so my show is my own.

Customers chat with multiple models because they like a little variety so you definitely don’t want to copy someone else’s entire show. It’s definitely ok to watch them so you can get a few ideas, maybe do some of the same things but not all of them. Customers don’t want the exact same show in every room they visit.

The best way to keep your customers is to not trash other models. Keep your mouth shut. You can secretly hate another model all you want but don’t say it on cam for all your customers to hear.

Know that your customers are going to chat with other models too. Know that you do not own the customers and they have every right to chat with any model they choose. Know that when you run your mouth about another model you risk driving her business up and your own business down.

Jealousy is not an attractive quality. If you have no reason to hate a model other than she is prettier than you, or she is making more money than you, keep your mouth shut! watch her to see what she’s doing differently.

What ever you do don’t trash the girl. You will only end up making yourself look bad and you will lose business because of it.

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you guys don’t know what you’re missing

as some of you know I finally came back to work on cam after being gone for 11 months. I found it is impossible to reach a single goal where I used to make goal 1-4 times in a shift sometimes more if I wasn’t too tired.

The kind of shows I do are not even close to what you guys have seen in the week since I returned to cam. I like to get my dildo and vibrator out, grab the lube if needed, and really get busy if you know what I mean.

Baby oil, this is new for me. I do enjoy rubbing baby oil on my skin during shows. There is an added benefit of it being a great moisturizer but that’s beside the point. I think that could really add to my shows.

If I never hit a goal I can’t put on one of these shows. Maybe I should log on earlier in the evening, maybe I should take Tuesday nights off, who knows. I’ll try some different things and see what works for me.

Picture 63

If you want to see more of this then come see me on cam tomorrow night I’ll post it on twitter when I decide on the time. I’m going to aim for 9:00 pm EST

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