How do I keep going?

I don’t really know how to say this. I don’t even want to say it. The more I talk about it the more real it becomes and I don’t want it to be real.

I lost my husband to an asthma attack. He had the asthma attack on March 3rd, I gave him his rescue inhaler, I gave him 2 breathing treatments and had him use the rescue inhaler again before he finally let me call 911.

It took what seemed like forever for the ambulance to get here. I saw the lights before I saw the ambulance and I bolted out the door to flag them down. My husband stopped breathing about 10 seconds after they walked in and started to examine him.

They carried him out to the ambulance where his heart stopped. They were giving him CPR for a long time when the fire truck finally came. One of the fire fighters got in the ambulance to assist with intibation.

I thought for sure he’d be alright once he got to the hospital and got the medicine he needed but he wasn’t. I called to check on him and was told that he was in very critical condition and I needed to be there.

I got a ride from a neighbor that knew him. I stayed by his side until 7 am when I left to get a couple hours of sleep and a shower. I never got my shower. I got a call from the hospital that he was no longer breathing on his own over the ventilator and I needed to come back.

I raced back to the hospital to be with him. I held his hand and begged him to fight. His brain was swollen and had started to herniate. A lot of people were praying for him but his brain continued to swell and herniate until there was nothing left.

The doctors wanted me to take him off life support because they felt he was already gone. I wouldn’t do it until I had scientific proof that he was never coming back.

I still held on to give the rest of our family time to say good bye.  During that time he started having tremors. The first 2 I yelled at him and told him to stop it and he did.

He continued to have these tremors and I held his hand and rubbed his arm. I told him it was ok, I was there and I wasn’t going anywhere. Every time I did that the tremor would stop. He still continued to have them though and they got more and more violent and more and more frequent.

I was getting more upset with each tremor he had. Finally the nurses pulled me aside because I was screaming and crying. They said he was in fact brain dead and he was not coming back and this was too hard for me to watch. I knew they were right and finally allowed them to disconnect the ventilator.

He was gone in less than 1 minute and he squeezed my hand twice as he went. I can still feel him all around me. I think he’s hanging around to make sure I’ll be ok before he goes where he’s supposed to.

photo

I snapped this picture of him one night while he was sleeping. Oh if he knew I did that he’d be so pissed! I’m just glad I have the picture. I’m greatful for the 10 yrs we had together. I just wish I could have done more to help him when he had the asthma attack. I wish I could have saved him. 

About autumnstorm425

I'm a web cam model my goal with this blog is to give you a peek into the life of a cam girl
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2 Responses to How do I keep going?

  1. This was my first visit to your blog, and I just wanted to say that I think you’re so brave to share this side of your experience. I can only imagine what you’re going through right now, and I hope that you have a strong support network in all of this.

    I hope you know that this wasn’t your fault, not even a little. You did everything you could. I know you must feel so helpless and the question, “How do I keep going” resonates with me so much. I lost my husband to another woman two years ago. As a cam girl myself, I asked that question so many times. I’m still going.

    All this is to say that if you ever need to talk to someone, I’m someone who might understand at least a little and I’m also a webcam model so I do understand that side of things. You’re welcome to write to me anytime. You’re not alone at all, and ultimately I know that your strength in this story will inspire and empower a lot of women out there.

    Hugs,
    Cat

    • I do have a lot of support from his side of the family as well as my mom. My mom has a tendency to upset me but I know she’s only trying to help.

      I know logically it isn’t my fault but somehow I keep wanting to blame myself for it. When I look at the facts there is just no way I can blame myself.

      I’m sorry you lost your husband to another woman that must suck. I can only imagine that pain is very similar if not the same as the pain I’m feeling.

      Thanks for your compassion Cat it means a lot to me. I seem to be getting better day by day. I’ve accepted that he’s gone and I miss him every minute of every day. I’ve accepted that I will always miss him.

      I hope I do inspire and empower a lot of women. If my story helps just 1 person male or female then I can say at least something positive came from it.

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